Sometimes advice that seems to make absolutely no sense, actually works. But not for the reasons we think.
That’s why we get confused. And when we’re confused, we walk away from the advice.
I realized this yesterday when listening to a talk by David Sandler. He was talking about feeling confident but relaxed in critical meetings. He suggested to the audience that they halt their instinct to feel anxious, stressed or worried about the meeting’s outcome – and instead, to embrace confident calm.
The audience rebelled. “How could we possibly feel relaxed and confident that everything will work out okay when our job, our mortgage payment, our children’s well-being is riding on the outcome of that meeting?!”
My experience has taught me that Sandler was 100% right. But my brain was twisted by this paradox – so of course, I couldn’t let it go until I had an explanation.
And, I think this is a paradox that a lot of us experience a lot of the time, and because we can’t sort it out, we walk about thinking it’s not true or it’s too hard.
There are actually a few things at play that make Sandler’s advice 100% accurate:
Self-fulfilling prophecy
By bringing your anxious (nervous, tense, negative) emotions into a meeting, your anxiety is affecting the emotions of the other people in the meeting. Do people like working with an anxious person? NO! What will people do with an anxious person? Push him/her away? What will their answer be to the anxious person’s request? NO!
So, your very anxiety about getting a “NO” outcome from a “critical” request will ALMOST GUARANTEE the very outcome you want to avoid. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Most people understand this – when they see it in other people. We’re just not very practiced about applying it to ourselves – because while it is simple, it’s not necessarily easy to tell your emotions how to behave.
The skill-set needed for the success is acquired in the action
But, the other part of this paradox has a huge significance to our lives – even without other people involved.
This is the part of the solution to the paradox that I think most people don’t get a chance to experience – and thus, never fully appreciate it.
By behaving in a way that is proven effective, but contrary to instinct (or hard, or scary, etc.), we are actually acquiring the skill-set that can ONLY be obtained by doing this very thing. You can’t learn this skill-set in a book.
And, of course, this is the very skill-set that is needed to be successful at whatever endeavor we are pursuing.
You can read about riding a bike, but you can’t LEARN to ride a bike without getting on it and moving.
This is exactly what is going on here.
In order to get the critical meeting outcome that you most want – and that is therefore triggering your anxiety and fear – you must practice behaving in the meeting (riding the bike) with calm confidence (getting on it and moving the pedals).
If you panic when you sit on the bike, you’re falling over. End of story. We all know this.
If you breath a little, and move one foot, and the other comes along, and you breath again, and now you just moved an inch and the handlebars wobbled, so now you’re practicing balancing your weight on your hands and your feet, and you breathed again, and your feet moved slightly more on its own now. THAT is practicing the skill-set that you need to ride a bike – an opportunity you would never have had if you panicked and fell over.
When we walk into a meeting filled with anxiety about “needing” a desired outcome, we are on the bike panicking and falling over.
Instead, when we have a calm confidence that the experience is still valuable even if we don’t get our desired outcome THIS TIME, we get better at a skill/talent, and therefore become more successful (at whatever this particular goal is).
By behaving in a calmly confident way, suddenly the conversation is now able to unfold because people are not throwing you out (or ignoring you) due to your anxiety. Now they are comfortable asking questions. Now you can practice answering questions. Now you can practice talking about your idea that you want them to “buy into.”
Now you are acquiring the skill of having a constructive conversation that is MORE LIKELY to lead to your desired outcome.
Are you guaranteed your desired outcome now? No. But, it is more likely.
Why? Because your decision to replace your anxiety with calm confidence resulted in you having the opportunity to practice and acquire new skills and experiences, which will ultimately make you better at handling that meeting. And thus, more likely that your desired outcome will occur.
Where do I see this in the financial world? With clients who would like to WAIT until they have a LUMP-SUM of money that they think is WORTHWHILE to invest or use or talk about.
It is the clients who are investing a set amount of their weekly income every week who are building their bike-riding skills. They are practicing controlling their emotions about money – and using money as a tool instead of an emotional support system. They are becoming confident in their ability to use money wisely. They are learning to manage their expectations in the face of market fluctuations. They are practicing managing their remaining disposable income wisely.
The clients who want to wait until a lump-sum happens are losing lots and lots of time and opportunity to develop these skills. So, even if the lump-sum does appear, they are at the kindergarten skill-set level, while the weekly-deposit client is graduating high school and moving on to mastery level.
The Take-Away – Changing our behavior from fearful to calm confidence gets us the practice of the skill-set that we need to succeed. Then, the practice gets us mastery.
